Pronouns: 101

Pronouns are one of the most used word classes, and they are extremely versatile in their use cases. Their main function is to be a simpler replacement for nouns in conversation. Pronouns are extremely important when thinking about gender identity, and are a massively underrated form of gender affirming care. They can be a great starting point in figuring out who you are and how you want to present to the world. So, if you're trans, questioning, or just an ally wanting to better understand how you can support your trans and non binary siblings, there may be something of use to you here.

Let’s first clear up what pronouns are. All pronouns fall into one of three categories: first, second and third person. There is debate as to whether there is a fourth person, but that isn't relevant to our discussion here. First-person pronouns are words we use to refer to ourselves, like ‘I', ‘we’, ‘me’, etc. Second-person pronouns are the ones that refer to the person or people we are speaking to. The third-person pronouns are the ones we are most interested in here. These are how we refer to people in their absence or when talking about them: ‘she', ‘he', and ‘they' are the main examples. When talking about people, one or some of these pronoun sets are likely what they use, but not everyone would identify with these three, so what would they use?

Neo pronouns! Although they aren't often discussed in language classes, this concept isn't new and deserves as much attention as the others. This umbrella term refers to a wide range of non-traditional pronouns people may use in place of the common three. There are many subtypes of neopronouns, such as xenopronouns and nounself pronouns, but I won't get into too much detail here, as this is more of a guide to using different pronouns, but will expand on the linguistic side of things at a later date.

Let's look at some examples of how these are used.

Pronoun set	Example Sentence
She/Her	She loves basketball, it's her favourite sport.
They/Them	They are a Bastille fan. I went to a concert with them last month.
It/Its	The book belongs to it with the brown hair; its book collection is so cool.
Xe/Xem (Pronounced ze/zem)	Xe has a cute dog. I met xem when walking in the morning a few weeks ago.
Star/Starself	Star has such good taste in clothes, I wonder where star's clothes are from?

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but more a brief example of different kinds of pronouns and how they might be used. Neopronouns can be slightly tricky at first, and because there are so many, I cannot list them all with examples, but you will find plenty of guides online for most sets, and you can always ask the person to explain them to you if needed.

When people change their pronouns or want to try something different, it is important to respect this choice to the best of your ability. It can be best to ask whether they prefer certain terms other than their pronouns specifically. Things like their preferred title or whether they now prefer different or nongendered compliments and descriptors.

If you struggle with remembering to use different pronouns, that is okay. It just might take a little bit more practice to get the hang of. One good way of practising and correcting yourself with new pronouns is to say three things about the person in your head with the new terms. For example, you could use, “I really like what they've done with their hair today, it really suits them and frames their face nicely.” It's a good way of building the habit and correcting yourself when you make a mistake.

Also, don't panic when you do make mistakes; it's unfortunately inevitable, though how you respond to them is important. It is always best to correct yourself and move on. Apologise quickly if you feel you should, but don't dwell on it or make a big deal out of your mistake. It then puts the responsibility to comfort you about your mistake onto the trans person, which could make them feel uncomfortable correcting you in future.

The reasons that people may change their pronouns at any point in their lives are entirely personal, and no one explanation fits everyone. They may also vary in how to be properly used depending on the person and situation. This sounds scary, but it is simple with practice and an open mind. There are many guides online about most pronoun sets and usually, should you need to, you can always ask the person how their pronouns work if you are unsure.

Now, how do we put all this into practice, I hear you ask! Well, I’m glad you brought it up. There is a simple social protocol you can implement when meeting new people to be vocal about your understanding of this concept.

One method is to simply refer to someone using the gender neutral pronouns, ‘they’ and ‘them’, until your conversation partner communicates their pronouns to you. This method is okay, but not preferable due to its reliance on the other person to correct you - it’s much better for short interactions with people you are unlikely to remain in contact with.

The method I prefer, and the method that I feel is much more outspoken, is to introduce yourself with your name and pronouns at the same time, i.e, “My name is Wren, and I use They/Them pronouns. What’s your name?” It provides a low-pressure environment for the other person to respond in kind while not cornering them into answering anything they are not comfortable with, which is especially important if they are closeted or just don’t feel comfortable disclosing it. I find it also is a good way of communicating to people that you are providing a safe space for gender nonconforming people to express themselves around you.

Another way of navigating this, which is less vocal and more of a visual form of communication, is to use pronoun pins or signs where you can. If you wear a lanyard for work or school, it’s very easy to add a pin to it or add pronouns to name badges in the workplace.

These are just a few things to keep in mind, and definitely not a complete list. The main thing to remember is that you're dealing with another whole person with thoughts and feelings of their own, and you can always ask what is best for them and how they want to be treated.